Talk, Talk, All You Do to Me is Talk Talk

We all need more tools . . . 

We all need more tools . . . 

Remember "I Told Them Challenge" ? Take a minute if you need a refresher, I'll wait. . . . Has anyone else noticed that people respond WAY faster to new action then they do to old lectures? Talk is cheap, and rarely works how we'd like it to. We can keep talking AND let's add in some of these new ideas.

Listen

Instead of "I told them to do their homework." Try asking a curiosity question and . . .  wait for it . . . LISTEN to what they have to say. We may learn they want to wake up early and work in the morning. We may learn they prefer to do homework after a snack. We may learn they like to do homework after their little sibling goes to bed. 

De-Clutter

Instead of "I told them to clean their room.", try - de-cluttering so each bedroom is 15 minutes from clean. Take everything out that isn't a book, stuffed animal or clothes. Ditch 40% of their clothes (we all wear only 20% of what we own). 

Be Willing / Unwilling

Instead of "I told them to put their clothes in the hamper.", try informing them that you are willing to wash all the clothes in the hamper and un-willing to pick up clothes off the floor. THEN DO THAT without REMINDERS or feeling bad when they cry.

Use pre-frontal cortex

Instead of "I told them to throw out the microwave popcorn bags.", try anticipating that they won't throw out the popcorn bags and inform them that you are going to take a break from purchasing them for two weeks until you can rest up. 

Zip the lip and get into action! You'll be surprised by what you learn.

Seasons of Parenting

Kids change, we change, seasons change. . .  

Kids change, we change, seasons change. . .  

Parenting is very seasonal work, and I think we are devastated when we find a solution that works for a season and then suddenly doesn’t. Instead of letting it go we DOUBLE DOWN on our solution. IT’s as if we trying to STOP the falling of the leaves and instead of raking and going to bed early because the days are shorter we are frantically trying to crazy glue, glue stick, glue gun, scotch tape the leaves BACK on the trees.

Instead, wouldn’t it be easier if we could see each season has a harvest, a loss, a frustration, a lesson and a joy.

New Borns : Harvest – a baby! Loss – sleep, free-time, thinking only of yourself. Frustration – HOW do I do this job. Lesson – life is fragile and strong and unknown and unfolding. Joy – baby smiles, baby smells, onsies.

Babies & Toddlers: Harvest – smiling, walking, chattering, feeding, routines. Loss – knowing when you put your baby down you will find them THERE. Frustration – are they reaching milestones, why don’t they nap regularly, why do they need me to sleep through the night. Lesson – routines are life saving, we are loved and cherished and needed. Joy – chunky expressive legs, joyful discovery, that baby holding our one finger with their WHOLE hand

Pre-Schoolers: Harvest – predictability, beginning of self-care autonomy, classes and experience that expose us to a new world and new people. Loss – no more naps, they have OPINIONS! Frustration – HOW do I get them to STOP saying NO. Lesson – life is exciting and joyful and wonderful and we are masters of the universe. Joy – watching them learn, grow, talk and sing

Elementary Age: Harvest – independence, help around the house, reading and silly jokes. Loss – feeling 100% in control of their day, their friends, their food. Frustration – HOW do I help them behave, find a passion, make their bed? Lesson – life is interesting, amazing, full of possibilities. Joy – we can sit on our butts while they get themselves dressed, shod and ready for school.

Tweens & Teens: Harvest – deep thinking, sassy tv shows, loosening of having to be in control. Loss – KNOWING you are definitely NOT 100% in control. Frustration – they are out too much, they are in too much, they are too social, they aren’t serious in school, they are too serious in school, they have no friends, the PHONE?! Lesson – life is scary and thrilling all at once. Joy – talking books or politics or sharing funny YouTube videos, watching their interests un-fold.

 

 

When It's All Too Much . . .

Photo taken by Allan Chester, owner of Muddy Paws.

Photo taken by Allan Chester, owner of Muddy Paws.

Bentley sort of says it all in this photo. The continuous bad news feed can get us down and lethargic. When we are a parent, what to do?

Listen. Listen and Listen: People process events and anxiety through talking. To help our kids our job is to be there to HEAR them and reassure them. We can't deny the reality, we can't assure them 100% security AND we can be there to help them process what they hear, see, read, watch and think.

Media Diet: If we start our day with a good fat Twitter scroll we are going to be anxious about things we mostly don't have control over. Let's start our family on a reasonable media diet. Limit time and locations where people (that means us!) can be on devices. Now's a good time re-boot parental controls, if you need help go to iparent101 for PRACTICAL advice and tips.

Nature: Nature does magical things to our brain. Exercise does magical things to our brain. Combine the two - hiking, biking, walking, paddle boarding, kayaking, apple picking and you will come back with a new perspective, some clarity and having used up a smidge of that anxious energy.

Circle the Wagons: Now is a good time for potlucks, multi-family game nights, group movie nights and anything you can think of to lean on each other. Humans need community when the going gets tough. Sharing a meal, a laugh or tear can lighten all our loads.

If all this fails, lie in bed and look wistfully sad like Bentley (but not for too long . . . )!

 

 

Faulty Equations

 

 

We all have some whacked out equations in our head. They don't have much to do with reality, but we use them anyway!  Usually we come up with these equations when we are 4 or 5. We have practiced them so long and are so invested in them that they are HARD to give up. Every now and then, the equation works! We are proven RIGHT,  we STAY committed to the equation. Let's take a look at a few. . . .

Talking Nicely + Request to Change = Other Person Changing: My sister, you remember her from The Only Shocking Part . . . , reminds me over and over that even if we say things really, really nicely the person we are trying to change might NOT choose to CHANGE. (Or you might like the flip side of this equation. Request to Change - Talking Nicely (I talk meanly and bitingly and shamingly) = Other Person Changing. Have we noticed yet? This doesn't work either!)

Logic + Experience + Lecture + Our Resume = Child Who is Impressed and Does What We Ask: We often try to convince our kids to do things by explaining our thinking to them, our logic, our ultimately good sense. We remind them that we are wiser, more experienced, have advanced degrees. 8 year olds care NOTHING about your age or advanced degree. You guys, it's a GIANT waste of energy reviewing your resume with your child when it's time to put the device down.

Chore Chart + Nicely Laminated = Compliant and Chore Doing Children: We think if we come up with a laminated, pretty chore chart the child will magically be inspired and do the chores, thank us for expecting them to do the chores and not fight with their siblings about who does what chore. In addition, if it's laminated we will become the kind of parent the UPHOLDS the chore chart.

Here are a couple of new equations to ADD TO your old equations.

Thinking + New Action = New Information:

Me talking to myself: "We need to get some chores done in the house. I'm going to print out the list of what is age appropriate for kids to do and take it to the dinner table with me and read it aloud. No wait, I'm going to print out the chore list for everyone that can read at the table and ask them to review and circle what they would be willing to do. That's a start. I am going to wait for that new information before I laminate anything!"

New Information + Considering + Compassion = Harmonious House (not quiet, not obedient, not perfect):

Me talking to myself, "So interesting, I had no idea Kate wanted to mow the lawn. If she did that once a week it would open up time to train Blake on how to cook. It's a nightmare having them both in the kitchen at the same time. This week I will train Kate how to mow and the next week I'll invite Blake into the kitchen to do some cooking."

New equations create NEW results! 

We Don't Know What We Don't Know!

“Why do parents need parent education? Isn’t it instinctual? My parents didn’t take parenting classes.”

“Why do parents need parent education? Isn’t it instinctual? My parents didn’t take parenting classes.”

We don’t know what we don’t know. If you NEVER take a parenting class, please just do this. Write in your calendar to check out your child’s development every six months (www.centerforparentingeducation.org/) . We parents try to stop the 2 year old from chanting, “No”, the 4 year old from tantruming, the 7 year old from wanting to play on a device and the 13 year old from eye rolling. PEOPLE, imagine as a middle-aged person if your kids were ANGRY at you for needing glasses to see, or punished you for forgetting what you just said, or being disappointed in you because your knees hurt. At least 50% of our parenting problems are developmental phases that will pass. I don’t mean don’t address them, I mean address them with compassion and a light heartedness that comes when we know, ‘this too shall pass’.

 

When we get stressed we tend to do MORE of the SAME thing. (Psst. . . that thing hasn’t worked yet.) For instance, if we try to control by being nice and accommodating, when things get hairy we get nicer and more accommodating when the child might benefit from a big old boundary. If we control by being scary and punitive, when things get dicey we get scarier and MORE punitive when the child might benefit from compassion and empathy. Parent education gives us an endless supply of new ideas, ways to connect and insights into our repeated behavior that feels right, but is actually getting in the way.

 

We all need a little help. It really does take a village. We don’t have all the answers. We all have blind spots from our past. Often we enter the parenting game thinking we have two choices: 1. Do the SAME as my parents or 2. Do the OPPOSITE of my parents. We actually have so many more creative, useful and effective options. We can lighten our load, unfurrow our brow and usually laugh a lot when we get together with other parents. Our fellow parents can help us solve our deepest darkest parenting problems, just like we have amazing insight for them.

Take a class, read a book, join a parenting group. I’m here for you if you want suggestions or ideas – email me at paigetrevor@mac.com.

Join me for a parenting bootcamp October 20/21. Go to www.pepparent.org to register. Check out www.paigetrevor.com/events to see upcoming online, or IN THE neighborhood presentations.

 

 

 

3 Ways to Get Out of the House On Time (without yelling, nagging or cajoling)

Getting out of the house on time - true story or urban myth?

Getting out of the house on time - true story or urban myth?

1. The night before, the night before, the night before. Whatever you can DO the night before . . . DO IT! Look at your calendar every night, plus two days ahead. You will be AMAZED at the things you have signed up for, the bumps in the road you can smooth out, the adjustments you can make while you still have some options.

2. Notice what kids CAN do. Kids often are super duper capable at school and suddenly become helpless at home. If they put their shoes on at school, they can do it home. All the reminders and nagging are a way to get attention. Anyone with children over 5 and are saying, "Put your shoes on." are wasting their breath. Kids KNOW what they are supposed to do.

3. Clean up the entryway.  Two pairs of shoes MAXIMUM per person, extra shoes go in closets in the persons room. Kick out all the baseball hats, extra re-usable bags, shopping bags, sports equipment from last season, side-walk chalk that no one will use, and out of season coats. I kid you not, if our entryway tells us, "You got this! You are ready. You are tidy and organized." we will be able to get OUT more smoothly.

3.5 Set your home / car clocks 10 minutes fast. Some people don't like this, I found it very useful. I STILL find it very useful.

PARENTING + ORGANIZING: A LOVE STORY

Can we improve relationships by de-clutter? YES WE CAN!

Can we improve relationships by de-clutter? YES WE CAN!

What if I told you you could REDUCE the number, and usually the severity of power struggles through organizing? Would it give you motivation? Would you be curious? Would you get in the game?

I love to look at problems from a different angle, a new spot, a fresh perspective – let’s take a look at a few common power struggle spots and see what happens if we organized them a wee bit.

MORNING MAYHEM

Get up earlier then your child and get YOURSELF ready. Do this, no excuses. This will GREATLY reduce the stress level in the house. You HAVE the power. Try it for THREE days this week. Let me know the difference when you face your morning breath kids fully dressed, cell phone charged, coffee cup in hand. Your ability to deal with the typical morning drama will be greatly enhanced.  

De-clutter the kids clothes. Take anything out of their closet that they love wearing and they can’t wear to school, bada boo bada bing – no more struggling over shorts in winter, princess dresses during the week, or anything that gets you hot under the collar.

Remember in real estate it’s location, location, location. In Morning Mayhem it’s the night before, the night before, the night before. Pack bags, charge cell phones, prep lunch, check on sports equipment / gym clothes. IF you don’t wanna fight – GET ORGANIZED!

HOMEWORK HASSLES

Create homework location/station. Purge it often. DELETE anything that is not homework related (comic books, supplies they don’t use – even if you spent a lot of money, and they might use the supply someday. If you can’t part with that expensive supply, put it in the basement and get it out of the kids homework area).

Uphold a homework time. Check out The Learning Habit for detailed instructions. There IS a formula.  Our job then is to UPHOLD the limits on time, screens, etc. This getting organized will keep you busy and greatly minimize the time you have to nag, lecture and power struggle.

Create a weekly review with each child to get an update on grades, homework, long term projects and ways you can help. Resist the urge to probe/nag other then this weekly meeting time. Keep a private list to go to when you really, really want to probe or nag and you can pull it out when you meet.

DINNER TIME

Menu plan, here are some tips. Ask kids for input. Stick to the plan. Expect complaining. Don’t react to the complaining. Enjoy your healthy-ish food.

Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Clean out your fridge. Honestly, we won’t be so crabby and short tempered in the evenings if our refrigerator isn’t gross. Trust me.

 

 

Where IS The Magic?

“Inspiration does exist but it must find you working.” Pablo Picasso

All that stuff you’ve been avoiding . . . the paper work, the de-cluttering, the training your child to make his lunch, do her laundry, drive the car you AIN’T never gonna feel like doing it. Ever. Never. Not in a million years. Let’s all just STOP waiting for the inspiration to feel like doing the stuff we’ve been avoiding.

Inspiration will bubble UP from the working. It’s a mind bender, it’s a game changer, it’s the NO EXCUSES zone. Well, you can keep all your excuses, “I’m too tired.” “I don’t feel like it.” “I don’t know how.” “Someone else should do it.” Keep ‘em, AND do the dreaded task anyway. But here’s a couple tips.

Don’t obsess over the final destination. Look in the distance, squint your eyes, start MOVING. Movement feeds your brain. We all try to THINK our way out of situations. Think a little, move a little, learn a lot.

Start with today – some of us spend a lot of time analyzing our problems, the WHY of the procrastination – the deep seeded issues, the angst, the theory when really we might get further setting our timer for 10 minutes and doing something.

Go ahead and quit, but start again. Re-frame quitting as resting, or re-grouping. If all you have done is taken a rest, it’s much easier to get back in the game rather than having to berate yourself as a quitter

We will get to the magic of our projects by doing our projects.

I’m here for you! Email me if you want any help. I mean it.

Anxiety!

Transitions are hard, and stressful and scary. Baby to toddler. Toddler to Pre-school. Pre-School to big kid school. Elementary school to Middle School. . . . you get what I'm saying. No matter where we are on the parenting path there is ANXIETY during these transitions. Are they ready? Are we ready? What's going to happen? Did I do it right? To help during these transitions I like to go back to basics. What things can I do to lower (not eliminate)  anxiety? What can I do that has very few side effects? What can I do that's free? Here's somewhere to start  . . . 

1. Talk to your friends, but don't make it your STORY. That means share your anxiety with your inner-circle, not the check out gal at Target. Have the anxiety be a part of your story, not the main event. Remember, we are lots of other things in addition to being a worried parent. 

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation is where you tense and then relax all your muscles. Here's a link to a guided practice I've been using lately. Try on iTunes also, there are plenty of FREE ones. No side effects. I try to do mine about 90 minutes before bed. It's not a miracle, AND it's worth a try.

3. Watch a SHOW! I'm really into the Great British Bakeoff, I'm late to the party, but it's still fun. Ask around what people are watching. Remembering there is more to life then toddlers eating veggies, what school lottery our kids get into, if our middle schooler has enough friends, when our high schooler is gonna clean their room. Laugh, be scared, be engaged about SOMETHING else besides our worry. Don't worry, our worry will be waiting for us after the show.

4. Read a book. Here are a couple that I have found helpful. The Worry Cure. The Opposite of Worry. Anxiety is a normal human emotion, some of us have just gotten TOO GOOD at practicing it. 

5. Practice gratitude. Jotting down three things a day on a piece of paper that you can review will remind you how much we love traveling, what a treat a non-humid day is, how much joy our pet can give us and what a delight our children can bring.

Here's to a less stressful (NOT stress-free) transition from summer to school for us all!

ONE Tool WE Have and THEY Don't. . . . USE IT!

PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX

The pre-frontal cortex, sigh. . . .this sucker is truly the most underused of the Underused Parenting Tools! It’s a shame too, because it’s one tool we have that our kids do not have. Our pre-frontal cortex is fully developed at 25, so most of us have had a full decade or more of this sublime, nimble, amazing tool.  What does it do, you ask? 

Differentiate among conflicting thoughts: I really want to shriek to my four year old, “Seriously, put your shoes on, it’s not that HHHHhaaaaarrrddd". I also want to act encouragingly and I suspect simply escorting the four year old to the shoes is going to be more effective, encouraging, and relationship-building then the shrieking.

Determine good and bad, better and best: Getting up at 7 am, or 15 minutes before everyone else is good. Getting up at 7:30, or 15 minutes after everyone else is bad. Getting up 6:50 and having my coffee is better. Getting up at 6:30, having my coffee, doing 10 minutes of yoga stretches, and getting dressed BEFORE anyone else wakes is best. 

Determine future consequences of current activities: If I nag, nag, and nag – child will only do things when I nag. When I shut the old trap I see what the child does and can start working towards improvement.

Working toward a defined goal: I would like each person in our family to get up on their own, take responsibility for self, and leave the house with maximum of goodwill and minimum of tension. This week I will wake up 15 minutes before everyone and have my coffee. In two weeks I will wake up 20 minutes before everyone and have my coffee and do 10 minutes of yoga stretches. In 3 weeks we will begin training on laying out clothes the night before – etc. In a couple months, our defined goal of leaving the house on time with each person responsible for themselves and enjoying maximum goodwill is happening. Not every day – because family is family and we can’t expect miracles!

Prediction of outcomes: I can predict my two year old can’t tolerate the grocery after daycare. I can predict that I am not a good "trainer" first thing in the morning when I am groggy. I can predict that my tardy spouse will be late to the soccer game. I can predict that the teen will roll his eyes at the curfew time. Re-read The Only Shocking Thing for down and dirty tips on outcomes you can predict by age group.

 Social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes): Pass by the Ben’n’Jerry’s, want it passionately, do not buy it because you know you can’t stop at one bite or one bowl. Feel really, really angry at your spouse at a dinner party – want to pinch his head off. Suppress (NOT repress) the urge to pinch head off in the moment, discuss spousal infraction in the car. Talk calmly to child who is screaming at you (resisting the urge to scream at child to stop screaming at you in front of every gosh durn person at the park!). 

For more ideas, CEO in da House illustrates some nifty ways you can expect your own CEO to support and talk to you.

 

Try One Now, Save Some for Later. . .

Worry About Yourself:  Stop whatever you are doing and please watch this video: Worry About Yourself. I will wait. What did you see? If you have bigger kids, you will be kicking yourself that you were not more patient as they struggled and enjoyed struggling to take care of themselves. If you have little kids, you probably got a back spasm from re-watching what just happened this very morning! How wise is that child who knows that Dad should “drive," and she was just fine back there with her own project, worrying about herself. Seriously, how often are we half-dressed and un-kept and yelling at our tween to tuck in his shirt? Or we may not be at our ideal weight and we hear ourselves advising our child to monitor her food intake. Try the Worry About Yourself tool; it’s sobering and effective. Feel free to show the video to your kids, and you may also be using the Underused Parenting Tool of laughing, free of charge!

Working Out:  I am passionate about working out as a parenting tool. Let me know if you think a 20-minute walking podcast with parenting tips would be of interest – I’m thinking about making one! The research on exercise and how it impacts our brains, our moods, and the quality of our sleep is so giant and amazing and so, so, SO overlooked. If I were Queen of the World, I would tolerate no complaining unless someone has a workout routine. And you guys, do not think I mean join a gym, workout for an hour and bench-press 200 pounds. No, I mean walk 20 minutes a day, download free exercise videos, ride your bike to work, do 10 minutes of abs one day, 15 minutes of arms the next and finish off with a stretch on the third day. Watch your anger melt away, your creativity blossom, your self-pity vanish and your resolve grow. Please e-mail me for specific suggestions; I have a million of them. I’m serious!

Routines:  Neuroscience tells us that our brains don’t like to work hard. We often do the same thing we did yesterday. It is cognitively tiring to try something new, so we don’t. That means that whatever routines/habits we create in our family are what we will do, because it’s easiest for our brains. We all like to be on autopilot, kids included. Start slowly, build your routines methodically, and expect to see better results, less nagging, and diminished resistance to chores because "we don’t feel liiiiiikkkeee it.The FlyLady is my inspiration. Check her out! Think: Gas up the car every Thursday, laundry every Sunday, wipe the kitchen table down (has to be cleared to really do the job) every morning. You get the gist!

3 Ways to Get Organized this Summer

This picture CRACKED me up! Because, really? Really?

This picture CRACKED me up! Because, really? Really?

Summer is a great time to de-clutter and get ready for the brand new YOU that will show up in September (right? don't we always think the real us will show up when the kids go back to school?)

1. Supplies: Get a garbage bag for trash, a white kitchen bag for donate and a brown shopping bag for books. Simply staging the supplies can be enough to help you START. If you want to de-clutter this weekend, stage the bags in the room. When you stage you will start thinking it through . . . Where will I take the donate? What day does the trash get collected? I'm visiting Aunt Molly in a couple weeks, I can set up a different donate bag for her. My spouse can take the kids to that puppet show on Saturday so the house is quiet.

2. Timing: Whatever time you think you can tolerate doing the task, especially if you have avoided the area for awhile, divide by two and set your timer for that time less 10 minutes. You want to feel victorious and energized after the session, not sad and defeated. You have got to build up your endurance for long de-cluttering sessions.

3. Perfect Solutions: Please, please, PUH-LEASE let these go. You will not know what to do with everything. Create a category for "I don't know what to do with this." And allow that to simply exist and grow and pile up. The answers often bubble up from the movement of your body and the objects, NOT from thinking. 

3.5 When the timer goes off (review: amount of time you think you can endure divided by two and then subtract 10 minutes: Example: I will organize for 2 hours! Ok, I will set my timer for 50 minutes.) Set your timer for those last 10 minutes and put things to "rights", trash in the trash can, donate bags in the car, bags to Aunt Molly with the suitcases, books to donate in the car too). If you skip this part and leave bags and debris around you will think/believe you did a bad job, aren't good at de-cluttering and feel defeated. If you COMPLETE the putting things to "rights" you will walk down the hall, peek in the room and think, "I am efficient, capable and creative. I'm so glad I found the bag of size 6 pants for Joey, he'll need them soon. I'm gonna organize a little more tomorrow, I'm good at it!"

Happiness Can't be Given

I love this quote! I use it a lot in classes I teach for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  PEP is based on democratic parenting. It’s neither permissive (child in charge), nor autocratic (parent in charge). EVERYONE is entitled to, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” PURSUIT, people. Not acquisition, nor fulfillment, or purchase or trade of happiness from one to another. Each of us has the right to pursue our own happiness.

Giving our child happiness – a toy, laissez-faire bedtime, letting them leave their crap all over, saving their butts regularly by driving forgotten work to school ain’t gonna teach them how to catch happiness themselves.

AND – parents, I hate to tell you, same goes for us. When we demand a semester of little Tom receiving all green lights, or darling Eliza making the travel soccer team, or dear Nathan having copious social engagements, or Joe getting into the college of our dreams - we are asking them to catch happiness for us.

Let's examine, ponder, explore, where we are giving away happiness and satisfaction. Any where the child might do better catching happiness on his own?  Do we fill his calendar with so many social/extra-curricular activities that he only needs to show up? Consider, it’s a different skill set to show up then it is to decide, and pursue, on your own, what you might like - karate, or piano, or filmmaking, or fencing, or video games, or nothing (gasp!).

Alternately, am I so obsessed with my kids lives, grades, friends, weight, room that I overlook my own life, work, friends, weight and room? It’s much less anxiety provoking trying to fix up someone else then it is to look at, and start to work on our own “stuff”. Catching happiness for another feels easier, seductive and compelling because we don’t have to worry about disappointment in ourselves. If they aren’t happy – well, we can give them a lecture. If they don't follow through, we can give them a lecture. If we chase happiness and aren’t happy, or if we start chasing happiness and don't follow through . . . ugh! We have to feel our own disappointment, discouragement and shame.

Where are we unhappy how about focusing on ourselves rather then nagging a child? Where are we giving happiness to our child? Where are we demanding happiness from our child? Shall we spend this next week catching our own happiness and leave it up to our kids to catch their own?

How to Support Without Rescuing

Photo by martinhosmart/iStock / Getty Images
Photo by martinhosmart/iStock / Getty Images

My mom made made terrible choices as it related to money, nutrition and all around self-care. I watched as my grandparents spent YEARS being very, very angry at her, lecturing her and then rescuing her. They stayed terse and disappointed - to TEACH her a LESSON. A lesson she never learned.

My mom was willing to pay the price of their disappointment to get the money/support she wanted. Their disapproval fed her low self-esteem and discouragement. She spent her energy despising her parents, herself and working on ways to be rescued by them. My mom felt she earned all that money and support due to the indignities/lectures/disapproval she endured. Her parents felt/thought/hoped she was one lecture away from change, so they kept on lecturing. They were in an endless cycle of:  Remind, Rescue and Reprimand.

Of course, everything is so clear when it's not YOU, right?! It's so easy to see someone ELSE being overly-controlling, or too permissive, or condescending. In my own life I know I do this Remind, Rescue and Reprimand cycle. When I'm able to be conscious here's what I try to remember . . . 

1. Children/Teens/People grow, change and develop at their own d**n pace. As much as we try, we can't force them to want what we want them to want, even if it's super duper good for them.

2. The message of love doesn't get through if it's coated in disappointment, judgment or blame.

3. Better to let children experience consequences, disappointment and strong feelings when they are young. We all know from experience, life is FILLED with consequences, disappointment and strong feelings.

4. Uphold boundaries with love and compassion. If they test you, uphold the boundary and stay close to the person. If they run out of money, compassionately listen, problem solve and stand by their side WITHOUT giving them money.

5. Lecturing relieves our stress, but at the cost of the relationship with our child and robs the child of experiences.