Oh My GOSH! You are so LUCKY (UnLucky?)!

Maybe . . . . 

Maybe . . . . 

There is a Buddhist tale where a man wakes to find 5 wild horses in his yard. The neighbors proclaim, "You are so lucky!" The man replies, "Maybe." The man's son takes a wild horse out to ride the next day, gets thrown and breaks his leg. The neighbors proclaim, "You are so unlucky!" The man replies, "Maybe." The next day soldiers come to town to recruit all the able-bodied young men for war, the son with the broken leg is not recruited. The neighbors proclaim, "You are so lucky!" The man replies, "Maybe."

Last fall our son tried out for the soccer team, he didn't make it. We were sad, he was so unlucky. His friends banded together and talked to the coach suggesting the coach might have overlooked our son. The coach agreed to a second look and he made the team. We were happy, he was so lucky. Four weeks into the season he was escorted up our front walk by a friend, his knee covered in ice. He had torn his SECOND ACL and needed surgery.  We were sad, he was so unlucky. 

Aha! MAYBE. We just don't know the unfolding, we don't know the end of the story. As a chronic reactor this is a hard lesson. My feelings and thoughts are determined by the previous few minutes of life events. EdLine tells me my children handed in their homework - so happy! A teacher sends an e-mail to tell me that things are being overlooked and forgotten, my day is RUINED. Where does this happen to you. They get a good grade on the test, we are so lucky - or maybe the child is in too easy a class and isn't grappling and practicing study skills. They have a playdate that ends badly, we are so un-lucky - or maybe they learned something valuable about socializing? They made the team, we are so lucky - or maybe they are going to miss out in being in the school play?

Next time we can feel ourselves reacting, replace the knowing with a maybe and see what happens. Maybe can get us out of reactivity and into reality. In reality we have a fighting chance to course correct, make creative change, or learn something new!

It's Always Something!

Seriously . .. . ?!

Seriously . .. . ?!

When you have kids, there is ALWAYS something, wouldn’t you agree?  I wish we could just get used to that. Suffering would be reduced by ½ if we could embrace, expect, enjoy the always somethingness of our lives.

When I started having babies my uncle would give me the same advice, over and over. “Once you figure out one phase, another phase starts.” And I was all, “Yeah, yeah – that’s for losers I’m taking parenting classes so pshaw, stop bugging me. Don’t take this the wrong way, BUT you guys didn’t know what you were doing in the 70’s. We GOT this, thanks anyway for your help.”


Dear Uncle – you were so right! Parenting classes didn’t make the always somethingness go away. Not dressing my kids in polyester matching ensembles from Sears didn’t make the always somethingness go away. To say I was surprised, upset, shocked – all understatements. Anyone else out there easily wounded by reality?

With kids, no – let’s not pick on the kids anymore, with people there is always something. There is always hurt feelings, there is always disappointment, there is always unmet expectations, there is always misunderstanding, there is always illness & injury. There are always surprise bills. Kids don’t always get into the school of their/our dreams. There are always home repairs. There are always mean friends.

But let’s not let the always somethingness ruin our summers. Along with the always somethingness there is always joy, there is always laughter, there are always sarcastic and hysterical friends, there is always Netflix. There is always another chance, another day, another moment.

I don’t think I can ever embrace always somethingness, but I’m going to work on tolerating it. I am going to work on it not sapping my joy, my strength, my energy. I’m going to accept the always somethingness like I accept the wilting daffodil stems that you have to let soak up the sun after they bloom. I am going to do my best not to complain about the always somethingness.  Because if it’s not one thing, it’s another! (hahahahha)

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I Got 99 Problems . . . .

Oh, if only we could squish out all our problems. Don’t we all think AND believe, “If everyone would just do as I say, then we wouldn’t have any problems.” Seriously?!

However, let me give you a mind bender, a real thinker. Could it be that problems are where it’s AT? Hear me out people, don’t click away quite yet. Problems are where we find the humility, the stretch, the new, and the bold. We need the April Showers to get to the May Flowers part of the situation.


Toddler Tantrums: Gives us practice in accepting the moment, noisy as it may be. Helps us handle someone else’s strong emotions without taking it personally. Opens our eyes to the child that is becoming right in front of us. No longer a baby, the tantrums lead us to give our toddler positive power, train them in helpful tasks (sorting socks, folding napkins, holding the grocery list).

Elementary School Age - Waking Up on Their Own:  Allows us to practice letting go (good to practice before we get to the tween/teen years). Gives us practice in observing the child that actually lives with us. Do they wake up to the alarm? Do they need two alarms? Do they need to go to bed earlier? Do we need to uphold screen limits more stringently? All these things are better to learn when our child is 8, 9 or 10 then waking them up until they go to college and THEN . . .  BOOM, they have to learn what kind of waker-upper they are. Better to be late for 3rd grade a few times then miss ½ a semester of 8am expensive Philosophy 101 classes because they don’t know how to wake up.

Tween/Teen Device Wars: Allows the tween/teen to practice independence. We can grapple with our values, with our opinions about screens. A time to consider handing responsibility for paying for the device to the teen. Illuminates OUR relationship to devices (may be just as monkey mind as the teen, checking, re-checking, posting, liking).

Problems help us understand ourselves. Problems help us define, refine and uphold our values. Problems are to be shared. Avoid the habit of heavy lifting all alone. When we work alone in problem solving we lose out on creativity, camaraderie, energy and inspiration. Problems are like the rain that washes away the pollen, the wind that blows the leaves out of your yard, the summer storm that sweeps away the humidity. It sucks when it’s happening and we feel fresh and new when it’s done.

Who Do I Need to Be?

Who do WE need to become to get from the OLD way to the NEW way?

Who do WE need to become to get from the OLD way to the NEW way?

I laughed, I cried, I saw my strengths, I cringed at my faults during Vicki Hoefle's workshop, Growing a Grown-Up. Vicki makes the everyday parenting foibles universal, hilarious and understandable. I recommend her book, Duct Tape Parenting to any and all. If you don't have it, click, click, CLICK and get one now!

We walked through a Road Map exercise, which I think is utter genius. We plot where we are on a given topic and where we want to be. One box for me, one box for my child. There are lots of steps on the way, but what really, REALLY struck me was the part of WHO DO I NEED TO BECOME in order for the FAMILY, CHILD, RELATIONSHIP to bloom in the way I am looking for. 

UGH. I don't wanna change, I want THEM to change. Once THEY change, I can be the parent I wanna be. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Alas, turns out Vicki is a badass. No whining. No sugar coating. No beating around the bush. Into the heart of darkness we go! I discovered I use "disappointed" and "controlling" as a way to get my kids to help make dinner. Guess what I get in return? Those children of mine "ignore" me and "don't do it". My solution, just cook the damn dinner myself and be all martyr-y and complain-y and overall sit in a stew of false superiority. 

On my map I plotted who I wanted to  become and what came up for me was "delighted" and "flexible". I want my kids to to be "creative" and "capable".

Of course I want to START with THEM. "Ok guys, you two need to be more capable and creative, and then I will be delighted and flexible, but UNTIL YOU change I will remain tight lipped, demanding, controlling and disappointed. Thanks! Love you." 

Darn it Vicki! Thank you . . . . . . 


I Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday For a Hamburger Today

Freedom, however, is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness. That is why I recommend that Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.
— Viktor E. Frankl

I hear you internet, "Why is Paige combining wise Viktor Frankl with Wimpy from Popeye?!" BECAUSE, kids are the eternal Wimpy, and parents must uphold the the wisdom of Viktor Frankl.  

Kids ALWAYS want more freedom. In the short term, freedom feels good, and free, and fun. HOWEVER, freedom is empty and dangerous if it isn't balanced with responsibility. 

Here are some real life scenarios - kid asks for freedom, parent considers how to balance with responsibility.

Kid: I want an i phone, eeeeevvvverrrryyyooooonnnneee else has an iphone. AND they get to be ON IT WHENEVER they want!

Parent: Hmmmm, do you have money every month to pay for the service? How will you handle bed time? People with iphones really need a steady income, what ideas do you have to make some regular money? People with iphones need good brakes (self-control).

Kid: I want to sleep-over.

Parent: Sleepovers don't include much sleep, will homework be done before you leave on Saturday afternoon? Please provide me with the parent's name and cell phone number so I can check in. How many sleepovers seem to work for you in a month? 

Kid: I want a later bed time.

Parent: Please go online and tell me what the recommended amount of sleep is, here's a website to start . What are you going to do with your extra time awake? How is waking up to your own alarm clock going?

Kid: I want new clothes.

Parent: The clothes in your bedroom currently aren't being cared for. I'd be willing to take you shopping once your current clothes are purged, washed and off the floor for four weeks. Do you have a budget? I'm willing to match you dollar for dollar to buy new clothes. I'd be willing to drive you to the mall this afternoon if we can get this corner of the basement tidied up  before we go.

Kid: I want to join this dance troop.

Parent: (Thinking: oh no, this is expensive and this kid hasn't stuck with anything much over the years, plus the driving . . . THE DRIVING!). Sounds exciting! I'd be willing to pay for 1/2 of this term, are you willing to use some of your savings to pay for the other 1/2? I'd be willing to drive 1/2 of these weekends, can you contact some of your friends and see if their parents might consider carpooling?


Parenting Media Association's Gold Award

So exciting! See below a review of an award winning article co-written with Robyn Des Roches. Thanks to parenting experts Alyson Schafer and Patti Cancellier (from the Parent Encouragement Program) for their insights and quotes. Link to the original article below.

Gold: Washington Parent, “Ages & Stages”; Robyn Des Roches, Paige Trevor
The quality of advice on critical parenting topics is superb and refreshingly original. When cutting through the complicated mess of boundaries (permissive vs. positive parenting), for example, the column takes a direct approach: Don’t let fear of parental tyranny turn the child into a tyrant. Ideas abound for taking a sounder approach, as they do in an article on managing children’s behavior in intense situations like funerals and weddings. The column is a good case study in ways to deliver original, authoritative solutions to thorny problems.

21st Century Parenting Challenges*


Have you ever dressed your 4-year-old because you can do it faster, or told your 7- year-old she has to wear a coat when she says she isn't cold? Can I get a show of hands of other parents who have "helped" their fifth grader on a Science Fair tri-fold board because we can cut straighter and center the background paper more evenly? Who can join me in having our tween's long-term assignments on OUR calendar?

Why do we parents fall into the trap of overprotecting our kids from short-term struggles and underpreparing them to cope with life's long-term challenges? Intellectually, we know that overparenting undermines a child's initiative and sends him or her off into the world unprepared to make independent choices and own the consequences of those choices (both positive and negative). Yet it can be difficult to translate that knowledge into practice.

21st century challenges

The use of "parenting" as a verb is a new phenomenon. It's also a tricky concept to define because the nature of "parenting" is an ever-changing business. Over the 18 years we are considered "active parents" (raising a minor child) we move, ever so gradually, from needing to protect our children to needing to prepare them. As much as we may try to straighten the road and take out the bumps for our beloved children, we all know life is filled with obstacles, setbacks, road blocks and weather we can't control. The real job of "active parents" is to work ourselves out of a job in those 18 years.

Hal Runkel, author of "Scream Free Parenting," believes parenting has changed in recent decades as a result of the 24/7 news cycle, the Internet and the ability to check our children's grades, school attendance and whereabouts at any moment. Runkel says, "If we think our number one job is to protect our child, then anxiety is going to drive the boat. We will want to know before they make a mistake or get into trouble."

Instead, we need to redefine our number one job as preparing children to live as independent adults. As Runkel notes, "The more we protect them, the less we prepare them. Think - I am supposed to protect them in the service of preparing them, not vice versa."

Loosening the reins

Runkel suggests that parents set a goal of having no rules for children by their senior year in high school. Senior year becomes a dry run for college, with freedom and responsibility living side by side. What can we expect to happen during senior year? Mistakes! In the wise words of Mark Twain, "Good judgment is the result of experience, and experience the result of bad judgment."

Parent educator and educational consultant Wendie Lubic (a.k.a., The College Lady) observes that when we first receive our children, we manage every aspect of their lives - when they go to bed, the books they read, the screens they have access to and the rhythm of their day. As kids grow older, parenting morphs from managing kids to being their on-demand consultants. "Guidance is important, if it is solicited," Lubic notes. But she warns that consultants have to wait to be asked for advice: "If it's unsolicited, then you are crossing the line."

Three steps to breaking the over-protecting habit

What can we do when we discover that we are overprotecting and underpreparing our kids? How can we face our fears with courage?

As a first step, we need to become mindful of the three-pronged response that kicks in when problems arise - a response comprised of thoughts, emotions and actions. Let's say a child has not yet mastered the skill of consistently turning in his homework. This situation triggers anxious thoughts: "Did Joe hand in his homework today? If he doesn't, he will get a B- for the quarter and say goodbye to the Ivy League." Our anxious thoughts fuel anxious emotions, and our knee-jerk actions might be to check online, text the child, find the homework in his bedroom and drive it to school.

Does this prepare the child to turn in his homework independently, or does it merely reinforce his dependence? If our response is not in the service of preparing, we can plan a better response for the next time. By changing one or more of the three prongs, we can move from anxious protecting to compassionate preparing.

ACTIONS: Take a break. Leave the scene. Go on a 20-minute walk. Any of these actions will help create space for new thoughts and emotions.

THOUGHTS: Remember Mark Twain's words of wisdom: "Good judgment is the result of experience, and experience the result of bad judgment." You might also think: "In the long run my child will need to remember his work. I believe he is capable. Better to experience forgetting when he is in eighth grade than forgetting in college. He remembers to hand in his homework more times than he forgets."

EMOTIONS: After 20 minutes of walking and trying on new thoughts, emotions will downgrade from anxiety and fear to compassion and curiosity. We will be able to greet our child after school with an open mind, an understanding heart and true curiosity about how he handled his problem. Kids are much more creative, capable and motivated than we give them credit for.

Practice makes progress - for adults as well as kids

When we find ourselves overparenting, we can take our good-hearted love, tweak it a bit and transform protection into preparation. Calming our own anxiety allows children space and time to grapple with the responsibilities that life throws at them.

With practice our children will become prepared. And prepared young adults can go about the business of living their own big lives and protecting themselves.

Common examples of over-parenting

Dressing preschoolers instead of letting them practice doing it themselves 

Waking up school-age kids instead of letting an alarm clock do the job 

Nagging about homework instead of encouraging the use of a planner and schedule 

Checking grades more frequently than the child does 

Doing extra credit work for the child rather than holding them responsible 

Worrying more about their future then they are 

*Originally Published in Washington Parent, March 2017


Your Gonna Hear Me ROOOOOARRRRR!

Have you ever seen Jimmy Fallon's lip sync contest where Kevin Hart does Roar? Ok, if you haven't, take a minute, your day will be made. If you have, watch it again, I'll wait. 

AMAZING, am I right?! 

This came to me thinking of how joyful and life affirming ROARING your anger out can be. Now, it can't be lashed out AT people, or used to shame. But ROARING your truth, your self-respect, now THAT is where it's at. And Kevin Hart is nothing but pure joy ROARING!

With Anger on the brain, here are five quick tidbits to get us thinking about how to ROAR with joy!

1. Anger is a part of the human experience, you ain't gonna get rid of it.

2. Anger shows us the way to deeply held values, places where we have been hurt and are trying to fix it, where we are being disrespected, ignored or overlooked.

3. Anger hides scarier emotions like - fear, anxiety, loss of control, not being heard, overwhelm, feeling smothered.

4. Anger gets people MOVING. It's why we keep using it. And, anger depletes the relationship- makes it smaller, spikier, stingier.

5. Repressed anger is still anger. All of us "NICE" people . . . we are pissed too. Unexpressed anger can be just as damaging to a relationship as aggressive anger. When we are not authentically representing ourselves, or when we let our beloveds 'get away' with bad behavior because it makes the day quieter - we ain't doing anyone any favors.


Which side makes you talk nicely to your child?

Which side makes you talk nicely to your child?

Being organized is something we agree we should do, promise ourselves we'll start doing each and every December 31st (or next Monday, or when school starts, or when the stars align, or when the pigs are flying).  But why?  Why be organized?  If we dig deep and think about how being organized makes us feel, how it changes how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to our children or our partners, we find a well of inspiration and energy. Once we get started (the hardest part), energy and motivation magically builds on itself as our closets become tidier our meals start planning themselves, and the car is always gassed up.

What happens when we get organized?  Here's what you can expect:

Cuts down on friction: Ever notice when you are early for something there is no traffic?  When you are late for something everything goes wrong?  I don't know about you, but I'm a blamer, under stress I start hurling blame, shame and pain at anyone and everyone.  My poor family.  If time is managed more effectively there are not as many angry triggers. I act and speak more respectfully to everyone (including myself).   If I get gas every Thursday, no matter what the gauge says - well then every Saturday I'm ready to drive to soccer practice, no checking, no panicking, no pushing the limit, no looking frantically for a credit card, no swear words as I pass a long line at the pump on the way to the field Saturday morning.

Let's your core values shine through:  If a core value is education we create a homework area where supplies, papers, laptops and books can be kept.  We organize it regularly.  We are consistently plucking out the comic books, the Chipotle receipts and the general crap that inevitably, naturally and habitually creeps in.  We right size our kids extra curricular activities and social life to accommodate down time before homework and ample down time after homework to be ready for sleep.  We are consistent about family quiet time in the evening to set the scene for quiet and thinking endeavors.  We model reading and learning and planning ourselves.

Changes your brain: Routines change your brain.  Once you have routinized something your brain does not have to put much effort into completing the task.  Think about diapering a baby.  I don't know about you, but day one diapering my baby took 20 minutes and a lot of thought.  By day 512 I could diaper my baby, while issuing orders to my toddler, all while talking to my sister on the phone. No sweat.  That's the power of routine. Routines work best when you start building one by one and at the top of the list are things you do EVERY day.  When a routine is lodged in your brain it overpowers your fleeting thoughts and feelings of, "I don't feel like it, I'll wait until later" and you find yourself making your bed without even thinking about it.

Helps during stressful times:  When you swipe and swish your bathroom every day (now that's just taking a damp rag and running it over your bathroom, it's NOT getting out cleaners or sponges or scrubbers or toilet bowl cleaner) - then when someone gets the stomach flu they can pray to the porcelain god without being grossed out by icky gross bathroom stuff.  A surprise guest can use the bathroom without you elbowing them on the way up the stairs to be sure it's all flushed and yuck free.  Best of all, you get to use a fresh-ish, hotel-ish, clutter free-ish  bathroom every day, every SINGLE day.  You deserve it!

It's Fun!  With the right attitude,  some practice, and some peppy music, a reasonable time limit and enough trash bags - organizing is fun.  It really is.  It's also a strangely satisfying endeavor -- think of organizing as a cheap thrill for your brain and eyes.  

Mindful Parenting

We don't need a years long meditation practice, a week long silent retreat, or peace like a river in our soul to try some Mindful Parenting. What I LOVE about these tips is that they 'do no harm'. When I put my head on the pillow at night I know I have not blamed, shamed or pained any of my beloveds.

1. Square Breathing: Teach this to your family TONIGHT (we learn what we teach, we teach what we need to learn). Breath in for two counts. Hold for two counts. Breath out for two counts. Hold for two counts. Repeat until there is a sliver of calm. Slowing your breathing slows your heart rate and can help your brain find creative and relationship plumping solutions. You never know when your kids will come home and tell you it HELPED them (think ACTs/SATs!).

2. The Waves ARE the Ocean: The journey IS noisy, chaotic, unclear, angry, messy, loving, unpredictable. When we are in a wavy bit, remember we are STILL in the ocean. It's all the same.

3. The Middle Path:  When I'm in a parenting spiral of indecision, I think to myself, what's the middle path? I WANT the child to give me the phone NOW. The child wants the phone into eternity. The middle path might be phones are turned in at dinner time and doled out again when everyone is ready for the day the next morning (fed, dressed, shod, brushed).

4. Mantras: Here's one I used, "I love you just the way you are today." Works wonders for tantruming toddlers, science fair procrastinators, and eye rolling teens. The mantra cloaks whatever I do in compassion and love.  I can uphold the limit or re-direct the behavior calmly, rationally and with love.  Other useful ones, "This will pass." "I don't love this, AND I can handle it."  

5. Simplify: Seriously, for real, I'm not joking, we will FEEL better if we get rid of 50% of our crap. e-mail me if you need help on this or see the button below. Why do we like hotel rooms? NO CRAP! 

6. Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast: Thank you Phil Dunphy of Modern Family. When you are feeling stressed and rushed, slow down. Is it counter-intuitive? Yes! Is it really hard to do? Absolutely! Should I give it a try anyway? Yes! Yes! Yes!



Protest + New Action = Change

Current events, personal events, getting older has been leading me to this nugget of truth. Outrage and protest is an important FIRST action. It comes with a lot of energy, a lot of conviction, a lot of emotion. And not much gets done if we keep trying to fix our problems with outrage and protest. 

PROTEST: I can protest and be outraged that my tween won't get up. I can lecture, I can nag, I can yell - all protest moves. Usually, the tween will endure our nagging, yelling and outrage for the special service of being woken up by us.  (Think about it, if we had someone that would BE SURE we are up so we don't miss work, well, why not hit snooze? Why not tent our head under our comforter and read for a delicious extra 20 minutes. We are offering our free waking up service to the tween, the price they pay is our anger, which always dissolves.)  The protest alerts us to the problem BUT does not SOLVE the problem (so frustrating!).

ACTION: I can stop being willing to serve the tween in a way that is unnecessary. I can state this to the tween in a respectful low-key way, "I'm sorry, I've been treating you with disrespect. I have faith you can handle waking up in the morning to the alarm clock." I can give the tween a grace period of a week where the alarm clock goes off and I am willing to come up and turn the light on at an agreed upon time. I can help tween problem solve, IF they are interested. I can train tween to use public transport. I can research with the tween the school policy for being tardy. I can let the tweens life unfold and SEE how the tween feels about being tardy. I can watch how the tween responds to having to use allowance to uber herself to school. 

The protest guided me to new action, the new action showed me something new about my tween AND gave me a much needed break from being angry and protesting.

Lather, rinse, repeat!

Where DID That Darn Solution GO?!

I am always really busy this time of year, and I love it! New clients, old clients, everyone wants to get organized. The number one thing that gets in people's way of getting organized is thinking there is A SOLUTION! 

PERFECT SOLUTION: We walk into our 10 year olds room, here is our brain talking. "I need to know the PERFECT bookcase to buy that will last, that the kid will like, that I know is a good value, that I can fit in my car, that will look good, that my mother in law will approve of, that will organize and hold ALL the crap, that will make me feel good, that will match the existing carpet."

This thought is tiring. I am defeated. I am small. I am overwhelmed. I turn on my heel, I go and click on Amazon and re-order my book wish list. THAT I can manage.

INSTEAD. . . . 

I DON'T GOT NO SOLUTION, AND I'M GONNA STAY IN THE GAME: We walk into our 10 year olds room. "This room needs something. Maybe a book case. I think I'm gong to sort some the stuff that's in here. Clothes, stuffed animals, toys, knick knacks, crafts, books, crap that isn't hers. Wow, that's a lot of categories, I think I'll keep only clothes, stuffed animals, books in here. I will move crafts and toys to the playroom. I'm going to put all the knick-knacks on her desk and we can sort and purge. Looks like she needs a new book case, I'm going to measure that blank wall for now and see what they have at Ikea that would fit in that space." 

This thought is empowering, energizing, solution oriented, non-judgmental. I can complete this task in under an hour. I can make progress. I don't have to THINK so hard for a solution, I can sort and arrange and the solution bubbles up from the mess!

Genius, relieving, sublime!

Problems, Problems, PROBLEMS!

What are YOUR 'go to' problem solving tools?

What are YOUR 'go to' problem solving tools?

A man is on a journey to the mountain top for enlightenment.  He finds himself on one side of a wide and deep lake.  He looks around, builds himself a raft and gets across dry and safe.  So pleased with himself and his problem solving, he straps that raft to his back and continues his climb.  Although he finds nary a lake, river, stream or creek, he does not let go of the raft.  The raft is heavy, cumbersome and slows him way down on his road to enlightenment.  
Adapted from a Buddhist tale.

Here's what we do people, we find one fabulous way to solve a problem and then we do that over and over and over. We keep lugging our metaphorical raft,  in spite of the fact there are tools that are more nimble, efficient, use less effort and are more effective.   Do you spot your particular raft from the list below?  

(I group them in pairs because I have found if we do one, we usually AVOID the other.  In times of stress we do even MORE of the one and stay FURTHER AWAY from the other.  A better, saner, more effective solution usually lies somewhere in-between our go to and our must avoid.)

NICE / MEAN -  If we want something we over nice people to get our way.  We nice, and nice, and do favors and are kind, and extend ourselves, all thinking that one day all those people we have been nice to will repay us in niceness (or good grades, or affection, or clearing the dishwasher, or picking up after themselves, or admiration, or a bonus).  We are extra nice if we feel totally devastated and hurt.  Alternately - if we want something we are aggressive and mean to get our way.  If we are hurt we cut off ties of communication, cloak ourselves in righteousness.  We yell and scream and think people will do what we want because we are so superior and scary.

WORK HARDER / PROCRASTINATE:   If we have a problem we work harder, we burn the midnight oil, we dig in, we try and try and try.  We add more hours to the task, we give up pleasure and exercise and fun because if we work harder we can solve the problem. We focus 174% on the PROBLEM.   Alternately, we pretend the problem isn't there and we procrastinate.  We'll surf the internet until we feel like working on our problem (hah!).  We avoid, we deny, we pretend the problem doesn't exist.  We take a break, we relax - HEY, we deserve it, it's such a BIG problem after all.

GO IT ALONE / HIRE HELP:  If we have a problem we feel a slight sense of shame for having a problem and we go it alone.  We become a one person research team to figure it all out on our own. We don't ask for help, we don't let people know we need help.  We only like the perfect versions of ourself so we white knuckle our way, we act like an expert, we don't MOVE until we have all the answers, got it figured out, know our final destination.  Alternately, we hire people, coaches, gurus, buy books, join seminars, listen to podcasts, consider alternatives and talk and talk and talk.  We figure if we purchase a coach then we can go back to relaxing because that investment should just grow and multiply and solve the problem on its own.

What's your poison?  What's your go to raft?  Let's take a minute and look at the actual terrain we are on, unstrap the raft off our back, give ourselves a break and try something new.

Paradox and Ambiguity

Say What?!

Say What?!

Yes, it's the worst! Paradox and ambiguity are here to stay, whether we like it or not. Who else needs a good long suffer before they accept reality?

Here's what I'm talking about,  people:

Paradox: If you want to get really serious about something, lighten up.  Especially with kids. If we want them to clean their rooms we need to make cleaning up easier (de-clutter), a habit (yo! we are in charge of routines), and not-stressful (no yelling that you are donating every gosh durn thing that is still on the floor when you come up to check on them in 5 minutes).

Ambiguity: When we decide NOT to do things for our child that they can do themselves (get dressed, finish homework, make their own lunch) they may or they may not end up doing things the way we want them to. We can never be sure if the message we are sending is the message they are receiving, for a refresher check out People are Prisms.

Paradox: When we START  working out (or doing our taxes, or tidying our house or de-cluttering our basement) when we don't EVEN FEEL like it, we often find that 10 minutes in we FEEL like keeping going. When we WAIT until we FEEL like it, we keep on waiting, and waiting, and waiting, anyone, Bueller?

Ambiguity: Wendy Mogel, author of Blessing's of Skinned Knee,  describes children as unmarked seed packets. We might flourish in a harsh weather environment, with hot summers and cold winters. Our child might flourish in an equatorial hot and humid climate. Remember, an easy 8 year old might hit some speed bumps at 15. A tantrumy 4 year old might be a delightful tween. Again, we just don't know for sure.

In my experience, when reality has been accepted there is a new energy source, a new creativity and some new solutions to my problems. I'm not saying you are going to like, but after you practice and accept, you just might! (See what I did there? I used BOTH paradox AND ambiguity).


Same PEP Info, new PEP Format!

Same PEP Info, new PEP Format!

Join me for a journey into parenting with the Parent Encouragement Program new format of PEPI: Bootcamp. It's for those of us who WANT 8 weeks of parenting information and support and are short on time!

Description: Do you wonder how to raise your children to be responsible, respectful and trustworthy—all while getting dinner on the table? Do you worry about cyberspace, peer pressure and other facts of modern life? Parenting, while it brings much joy, is hard work. This class will make it easier and much more satisfying by giving you a sound framework for positive parenting and proven skills to correct whining, backtalk, defiance and the whole range of misbehavior. Learn how you can be closer and have more fun as a family while also motivating your children to be more cooperative, self-disciplined and successful.

The Top 5.5 Reasons We All need Parent Education!

1. Parenting classes remind us that raising kids IS challenging, and we aren't the only knuckleheads out there confused and frustrated.

2. We learn about a variety of resources - books, workshops, classes, online seminars, podcasts that can infuse our parenting with inspiration and new ideas.

3. We see the universality of all our experiences. Rarely is a parent educator surprised by a question or a problem, because it's the same stuff over and over - messy rooms, problems with friends, picky eaters, no sleepers, homework avoiders.

4. We laugh together, because it IS funny. Seriously - it's funny the parent/child dance. Now, it's not funny when it's you, but it IS funny when we can see together the hilarious things we do to try to get a four-year-old shod and fed before 8am.

5. We can see ourselves more clearly - and that's where change happens. Change happens when we are in the middle of our very own lives - no excuses, no over-dramatization, no soft focus. In the safety of a big group we can quietly notice where we might be too demanding or too permissive.

5.5. It gets us out of the house and aways from the children (tee hee - but seriously, you deserve a break today.).


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