Freedom THROUGH Constraint, Say WHAT?!

You know how we are forever trying to remove obstacles from our child's path? Drive the homework to school, clean up their room, absorb their strong emotions, give them money whenever they ask? Read on fellow parents. . . . read on.

My freedom will be so much the greater and more meaningful the more narrowly I limit my field of action and the more I surround myself with obstacles. Whatever diminishes constraint diminishes strength. The more constraints one imposes, the more one frees one's self of the chains that shackle the spirit.

Igor Stravinsky

The Rear View Mirror is For Glancing, Not For Guiding!

Mirrors are for glancing back and the windshield is for seeing where you wanna go!

Any other angsty middle age people out there trying to figure it out? Any other people dissatisfied with their younger years, maybe even the teeniest bit blaming? You know, "Everything would have been different if I had a better family, more money, went to a better college, if people supported me, if I had gotten the help I needed?"

I saw a graduate students research project at the Adler School and she used the analogy of leading your life looking out the front window of your car, not staring at the rear view mirror to try to 'figure it out.' GENIUS. It really got me thinking. Looking out the front window IS the way to go, yet we have all those mirrors, and now cameras, to look behind because it IS important to glance behind you. Orient yourself. See if you the guy behind you is too close, or if the lane next to you is open to move into. 

However, mirrors/memories are for glancing, checking in, correcting course, making adjustments. Do we need to speed up, slow down, move over, stay in our lane?

HOWEVER, some of us get mesmerized by the mirrors and only glance out the front window. What's in front of us, the reality we created, the destination of our dreams is out front and we can't get there by looking back. Movement, motion, action create our current reality. If we are obsessed with our past and want to fix, change, figure it out we don't have time or energy to deal with today - and TODAY is where change CAN happen.

And for you "Forward Ho!" folks, you need the mirrors too. We create a better future when we know what came before, what's propelling us forward - is it positive or a waste of our time? Are we ready to shift lanes or is the past too close to us to make the move safely?

Here are my two favorite quotes about being in motion, movement, action. We have to look out our front windshield to drive safely and get and stay in action!

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” - Alfred Adler

"Clarity comes from engagement, not thought" - Marie Forleo

Now that summer vacation and family travel is upon us let's get in our cars and spend MOST of our time looking out the front window. What's the destination, what's the dream, and let's all ENJOY instead of ANGST.

Shhhhhhhh. . . Listen UP

Listening - one of the MOST underused parenting. Nay, one of the MOST underused relationship tools out there. And, yo! I am NOT judging because I raise my hand in solidarity for not listening or, even better, pretending to listen. Let's use this quote as our guide this week.

"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!"  Rudolf Dreikurs

Wait, let's read it one more time, let it soak in.

"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!"  Rudolf Dreikurs

Seriously, we all, all, ALL behave with a private logic. I'll share a couple of mine.

1. Healthy snacks solve all your problems. If only kids, spouses ate the sanctioned snacks then we'd have no problems with naps, back talk, tidying the house, etc. Whole grains could solve it all.

2. All my ideas would work perfectly for my family and if they only LISTENED (obeyed, did what I said) then THEY would have the life THEY wanted. I believed that (probably still do, a smidge).

Once I heard these as private logic and not as truth, I could move past it and live in a more reality based situation. How I LEARNED this was my private logic was that my sister LISTENED to me over and over and reflected back to me my skewed logic. She listened patiently, repeatedly, without judgement and with humor. Due to her listening I could hear my own crazy.

Now, do NOT throw out the whole grains with the bathwater. We might be wise in some of our private logic - healthy snacks ain't gonna hurt, I DO have some good advice to give that would help them reach their own goals.  AND if I listen to what their goals are I would be even MORE useful, helpful and trustworthy. 

Let me lay another private logic gem on you. Kids in middle school tend to let their grades slip - I kid you not, I think 65% of this is that they hear repeatedly, "Grades don't matter until high school." So really, why worry about grades if they don't matter?! Snapchatting DOES matter NOW so, get on IT! 

WARNING: Listening does NOT mean you do everything they say. LISTENING does not mean then you have equal time to lecture - I know us parents, always looking for a soap box to stand on, "Well, I listened for 15 minutes and now it's my turn to talk for 15 minutes." 

When your kid (spouse, mother in law, friend down the street) is misbehaving, acting like a jerk, making a dumb decision - listen with the intention of understanding their private logic. Listen with the attitude of reflecting back to them THEIR thoughts (remember, we all ACT in accordance with our thoughts). 

Listening is a great way to know the real child you live with, it's a relationship and trust builder, and if you listen well, they usually come back to you to tell you more!

For a few more tips check out this PEP Blog.

Get Started . . . TOMORROW!

How do we start getting organized? (Remember, we are going to practice getting organized, not obsessing about being organized, for a refresher read last week's post). Let's do a listicle, shall we?

1. It only takes one person to decide and get organized. I see a lot of spouses pointing fingers, blaming and trying, by gosh almighty, that the other spouse (child, children) WILL HELP, and be appreciative and see the value in, and adore being organized. You guys, Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see." So, so very irritating, and yet so very, very true and powerful.

2. Start with stuff you do/use every day. Think waking up, getting out of the house, meals, fun time, work/homework time and going to bed. Clean out your car and find a different relationship with your commute. Create a meal plan, execute MOST of the meal plan and watch your shoulders relax at 5:45 pm instead of reaching for a glass of wine or yelling at your kids.

3. Routines, routines, routines - brain research tells us we mostly do the same stuff we did yesterday. Start creating routines and after a while they sustain themselves. Such, such magic in routines. Creativity blossoms INSIDE of routines. How to start you ask? Try Flylady.net and just follow the directions for a week or two. The trick is that a few routines will be magical, a few will fall flat and not work for you. The ones that stick transform your life.

4. Less is More - In almost everything. Reduce the number of toys and you instantly reduce the amount of nagging. Reduce the calendar clutter and you miraculously transform the - "Hurry, hurry, we're late." energy in your house. Reduce the nagging and you will see the goodwill increase.

5. Make helping out appetizing to your family. Usually we martyr ourselves for years and one day wake up when our kids are teens and shriek, "Hey, you guys get in here and help and I mean it and do it PROPERLY. I hate chores too!" Sound like you want seconds of that? 

6. Come out tomorrow night and share your pain with a group, get inspired, get some answers and then we can Get Organized!

Getting Organized: Where (and Why) Do We Start?

Honestly, when you walk into your room, which shelf would support calm and effective parenting during a stressful moment?

I seriously, really, honestly, love helping people and families get organized. The freedom being organized creates, the space, the harmony, the goodwill, the positive self-talk is so giant, so underestimated, so overlooked. If I could sell that in a pill form I'd be a Billionaire AND I would still love helping people get organized (I think?).

People think BEING organized is the key, and you know what . . . it's NOT. GETTING organized is the magical place. Do you know why? Because you can do it over and over and over again, at anytime, in any place. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious on your plane ride - try tidying your space, your purse, your briefcase - jot down a quick agenda - I'm not kidding - 20 minutes meditation, 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes composing notes from conference and the rest is movie time. Did you feel that anxiety go down, the control go up (but the good kind of control, not the white knuckly kind of control)? Did you notice I stopped trying to keep the plane in the air with the small of my back,  the turbulence is what it is, the weird guy sitting next to me will be out of my space in two hours? Through a bit of organizing and tidying I got myself out of my anxiety spiral and right into my very own space and moment - THAT's where the power is.

It's hard to start, until you have lots of practice, and lots of good self-talk and you are forgiving, compassionate and you give yourself a wee bit of tough love. Professional Organizers, or a good friend, or an organizing book that speaks to you, or an inspiring and funny workshop (wink, wink, click the button below!) is sort of like the turpentine to our sticky, messy crazy thoughts that slow us down or stop us in our tracks. Once we identify our particular brand of crazy (usually perfectionism, fear, anxiety and lethargy mixed into a stew of self-doubt) we can make changes, purge, find the treasures, create traction, get some movement, get straight, go forward, move ahead (Devo, anyone?).

No Butt's About It, Use "AND" - AND You Will Transform Your Thinking

I just got back from a NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) Conference. I can't decide if it was the conference or the hotel room all to myself that was the most exhilarating. No matter, in Adlerian Psychology it's best to replace but with AND. What a powerful, powerful parenting tool!  Shall we experiment?

To your whining and complaining 9 year old, who you have a gentle arm around, as you escort him to the car, "I understand you hate swimming lessons and everything about them, AND it's time to go."

To yourself after the 7,265th morning you have to go to your child's room to get them up on time, "It's not my fault we have a lot of power struggles in the family, AND it's my responsibility to change my controlling ways to lessen power's impact on us all." 

To your teen who is texting furiously on their phones at the dinner table, "I understand it's excruciatingly painful to zip a a goodbye to your boyfriend, AND it's time to pop the phone in the device bowl."

Give it a whirl, transform your buts into AND and see how it changes your thoughts, actions and attitude. 

***BONUS - Book List from the conference:

Family Council: Rudolf Dreikurs just has a WAY of being firm, friendly, clear and hopeful. This parenting thing is hard for all of us. Family meetings are one powerful tool - this book can give you insight, practical tips and inspiration. (For more support and ideas, keep an eye out for the PEP's Family Council Workshop!)

Raising Kids Who Can: Watching Betty Lou Bettner in action is a sublime treat of an Adlerian conference. She helps families keep what's good and transform what's negative.

Present Like a Pro: A four hour workshop with Kevin O'Connor feels like 45 minutes. We laughed, we cried, we learned - I can't wait to dive into his book to find out more!

****Double Bonus - Fabulous PEP Leader, Patti Cancellier and I presented on the Family Council. We talked about what gets in the way of having regular meetings. . . I love it when I teach what I need to know!

*********Triple Bonus - Lil' Sebastian helped us present  . . . . Go ahead, take a minute, say, "Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian"

Chocolate & Wine

Underused Parenting Tools: Caffeine, Dessert and Wine

Are ya with me, do I have you? Ok, sit back, relax and stick me because this was a bait and switch situation. This topic is such a turnoff for so many people I dared not lead with WORKOUT. However, I am passionate that working out WILL change your parenting AND organizing game, for the better, more productive, more patient and more fun.

And you guys, I’m not talking about going to the gym (although, feel free), or doing hours of Soul Cycle (but maybe once a week would be invigorating), or lifting heavy weights (a few light weight reps a couple times of week can do wonders for the middle age sag and memory). I’m talking about making working out an every day part of your life. And NOT to get skinny, and not to look good, and not to fit in your jeans from 10 years ago. No, no, NO!

I want you to workout because it will help your family, and organize your brain, and generate creative solutions, and help you to discern what’s a big deal and what’s not. It is fantastic modeling for our children that working out IS a part of DAILY life. Sure, you'll have a million excuses why you can't, don't wanna, don't feel like it. KEEP those excuses AND workout anyway.

Here are a few tips and tidbits  for you to  consider. 

Walking – the best middle age workout around. You can walk anytime. Your heart rate goes up but you don’t get completely sweaty so it’s very versatile (at lunch and on the way to/from work, for example). If your kid has a soccer game, drop them, walk for ½ hour and then watch the rest of the game. I pass the monuments on the way to carpool once a week. I leave 30 minutes early – park the car and walk from the WWII memorial to the Lincoln. I’m surrounded by beauty and tourists, there are ample clean bathrooms and I pick up the kids with a whole new lease on life! I’ve been known to do a 30 minute walk in an airport while my plane is delayed. Now, you need someone to watch your bags and you have to promise your family you will walk far AWAY from the gate, but it works!

Consistency and consistency does not mean perfection! Consistency means you do your best, you push, you pull back, you try something new, you re-play your favorite oldies, you have 2 gazillion back up plans. Consistency and 2 gazillion back up plans will pave the way to an exercise addiction, and THIS is something we want to be addicted to. For example, I planned a 45 minute walk. . . whoops presidential motorcade blocked the road, 20 minutes will do. Gonna go to the gym, but kiddo has strep throat.  . .  I’ll pop in that 30 minute video. I hurt my foot, I’ll spend the next week working on the old upper body. You know what? I need a break, I’m going to take the next week off and I’m sure, certain, not worried at all, that I’ll be back and refreshed the next week. THIS how consistency talks to you. 

Family Fun – Hiking, water activities, outdoor adventures, walking to dinner (ice cream, coffee shop, park). All those steps add up. Bonus - water activities means NO PHONES/DEVICES - two birds, one stone!

Workout Clothes – If I put on my workout clothes when I get home (even if I don't feel like working out) and set up the basement to work out (even if I have a slight headache and am tyty) I will be more like to just suck it up and do 10-15 minutes. That’s enough to change my interaction with my kids and the cheese drawer. Sometimes just being in workout clothes gives me a new kind of energy.

Chores – wear your fitbit and you will see how 'to-ing and fro-ing' for 30 minutes BOTH neatens up your day, increases your heart rate a tad, AND piles on the steps. Imagine, 10,000 steps AND your bed is made and clothes put away, magical, magical, magical!

WHEN you are irritated by your family, workout. WHEN you are in a lot of power struggles, workout. WHEN you are disorganized and scattered, workout. WHEN you feel sorry for yourself and overwhelmed, workout. Now watch, Sexy and I Know It - because, "I Work Out!"

Parenting + Organizing: A Love Story

What if I told you you could REDUCE the number, and usually the severity of power struggles through organizing? Would it give you motivation? Would you be curious? Would you get in the game?

I love to look at problems from a different angle, a new spot, a fresh perspective – let’s take a look at a few common power struggle spots and see what happens if we organized them a wee bit.

Morning Mayhem

Get up earlier then your child and get YOURSELF ready. Do this, no excuses. This will GREATLY reduce the stress level in the house. You HAVE the power. Try it for THREE days this week. Let me know the difference when you face your morning breath kids fully dressed, cell phone charged, coffee cup in hand. Your ability to deal with the typical morning drama will be greatly enhanced.  

De-clutter the kids clothes. Take anything out of their closet that they love wearing and they can’t wear to school, bada boo bada bing – no more struggling over shorts in winter, princess dresses during the week, or anything that gets you hot under the collar.

Remember in real estate it’s location, location, location. In Morning Mayhem it’s the night before, the night before, the night before. Pack bags, charge cell phones, prep lunch, check on sports equipment / gym clothes. IF you don’t wanna fight – GET ORGANIZED!

Homework Hassles

Create homework location/station. Purge it often. DELETE anything that is not homework related (comic books, supplies they don’t use – even if you spent a lot of money, and they might use the supply someday. If you can’t part with that expensive supply, put it in the basement and get it out of the kids homework area).

Uphold a homework time. Check out The Learning Habit for detailed instructions. There IS a formula.  Our job then is to UPHOLD the limits on time, screens, etc. This getting organized will keep you busy and greatly minimize the time you have to nag, lecture and power struggle.

Create a weekly review with each child to get an update on grades, homework, long term projects and ways you can help. Resist the urge to probe/nag other then this weekly meeting time. Keep a private list to go to when you really, really want to probe or nag and you can pull it out when you meet.

Dinner Time

Menu plan, here are some tips. Ask kids for input. Stick to the plan. Expect complaining. Don’t react to the complaining. Enjoy your healthy-ish food.

Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Clean out your fridge. Honestly, we won’t be so crabby and short tempered in the evenings if our refrigerator isn’t gross. Trust me.

Finally, take the PEP Workshop, Power Tools for Power Struggles to learn more. We will have more solutions, ideas, tips and tidbits for you, can’t wait to see you there.

Help! I've Fallen into a Power Struggle and I Can't Get Up!

Anyone remember that choice commercial? Bueller, Bueller, Anyone, Bueller? 

I digress. How the heck to get out of a power struggle, with MY dignity AND my child's dignity in tact? Here is a list of 10 actions/thoughts/re-frames you can use:

1. If it's not a safety issue - let it go for the moment and go back to it. This takes Herculean effort. I am not saying it's easy. Try ONE time letting it go, call me, tell me everything!

2. Claim your own power. Remember - we got the money, the car, the house, the job, the legal rights. I'm not saying CONTROL them, I'm saying we often are victims of tears and tantrums and forget that we have so, so, SO much more real control and power then them. Have mercy.

3. If you can DO SOMETHING - do it. If you power struggle over princess dresses being worn to school - put them all on your upstairs shelf in your closet and they are available on the weekends. If you are power struggling over dessert, take a break from dessert for a few nights (have NO dessert in the house!). 

4. Give it to 'em! power struggles are a way our kids tell us when they are ready to move forward. Listen to the message. Give them positive power - pick their clothes, have a say in summer planning, decide on dinner.

5. Kids who are in a lot of power struggles tend to live with adults who enjoy power and control. (Man in the Mirror moment - take a minute).

6. Stop trying to MAKE anyone DO IT. If you are trying to make someone do something, eat something, go to sleep at a certain time or get motivated. Please stop. Can't do it, won't happen. Dead end street.

7. Worry About Yourself! (watch it, watch it again, share with your kids, never gets old!).

8. Read up on development. You don't want to be power struggling over normal and annoying behavior (think 2 year olds saying, 'no', 4 year olds tantruming, teens eye rolling).

9. Ask your spouse or a friend what they see in your relationship with your child. I was greatly helped when my husband pointed out my kids played me like a fiddle,  power struggles would ensue and the focus would change from what needed to get done to who was gonna win. I'm not saying I was gracious in the MOMENT he pointed this out, I'm just saying it really helped.

10. Join me for the Power Struggles workshop! It will be fun, we'll laugh and learn and I might just let you get the last word!

CAUTION - EXTREME HEAT DANGER

Our emotional terrain should come with 'Caution' signs!

I've been out and about giving a lot of talks and preparing for an upcoming workshop.  All paths are leading me to the prickly landscape of Power Struggles.  When we are struggling with our child over who has power it feels a lot like this arid, never ending, not welcoming terrain. It's hot, hot, hot all day long and freezing, freezing all night long. 

When we find ourselves in the land of the Power Struggles, fear not fellow travelers - this is where we learn, and grow, and practice skills, and work together. When we get on the other side, and are in our oasis, our pool, our hammock in the shade - we appreciate the quiet and the comfort all the more because, we know what it's like out here in the stinking, hot desert. Every landscape has it's pros and cons, let's review.

Pros of Power Struggles

Our child is growing. Our child is developing. Our child is actually saying to us, "I got this, butt out, stop controlling me." We can DO less when they DO more (love!). Spicy and sassy is an energy. Those power struggley kids need support and creativity to channel that energy but, we don't want to squish it. We get an opportunity to flex our emotional muscles, tame our runaway anxiety, get comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. We find our core values. We discover our outer most limits, we learn new things about ourselves and our child. We practice endurance (underused parenting tool!). We see some new landscape, we get shoved out of our rut.

Cons of Power Struggles 

It is not quiet. It is not peaceful. It is not soothing. We discover (again) we only have control over one person in the entire universe, that is ourselves. If we are in lot of power struggles with our child it usually points to the fact we are trying to control the child - we can't do it (as much as we try). We have to focus on ourselves (always more uncomfortable to look at the man in the mirror then to lecture, nag or cajole our child). We often find ourselves walking in hot and sweaty circles, power struggles are often repetitive, repetitive, repetitive (infuriating!)  It feels never ending.

Power struggles can take the fun out of parenting, or they can be a window of opportunity fo us learn more about development, our kids and ourselves.

Next week let's talk about ways we can deal with a good, old fashioned, every day. run of the mill power struggle. But for now - put on your sunscreen and hydrate!

Training Day

Training is NOT

Bossing people around. Giving instructions. Nagging. Reminding. Cajoling. Commanding. Doing it for them as they watch. Expecting perfection. Wanting them to do it your ONE superior, fabulous, efficient and morally correct way.

Training IS

Asking them if they would like to learn how to do something (and then accepting the answer). Watching what they already know how to do. Building on strengths. Expecting mistakes. Embracing creativity. Learning to love a lumpy bed, a messy worksheet, a baggie full of Doritos and all the Doritos on the ground.

DO NOT TRAIN

When you are tired, grouchy, over caffeinated. Do not offer to train when you mean they have to do something. Do not train when the child is upset, tired or grouchy. Do not train when it's game time. Do not have child practice tying shoes when it's 5 minutes to out the door time. Do not have child set the table when your boss is coming to dinner and you really care about how it looks and you're going to do it over again anyway. 

DO TRAIN

When you are both in a good mood and willing to work together. Train on something the child wants to learn. Train when you can take the long view - child's room will be neat and tidy when he is 37 AND it's important to practice now. Train when it is NOT game time (again, I can't emphasize this enough) - try new foods at snack time (not at dinner time), practice tying shoes before bed (not when you need to get out of the house, in a rush!), crack a dozen eggs with nothing in particular to cook (not when you only have two eggs for your recipe you are making to take to tonights potluck).

SPIRIT OF TRAINING

Imbue the child with possibility and creativity.  Work with their strengths. Training blossoms at lots of different times. That means that even though it feels like they will never fold their clothes, or put them away, or heck - even get them into the dirty clothes bin for gosh durn sakes - keep planting and sowing the seeds. In our family garden we never know what's gonna bloom when. Training is relationship building (nagging is relationship draining). Training is an investment. Invest early, invest often!

Parenting Shmarenting

Top 10 Reasons for Parenting Classes/Workshops.

1. It gets you out of the house, away from the kids (tee hee - but seriously, we all need a break).

2. Parenting classes remind us that raising kids IS challenging, and we aren't the only knuckleheads out there confused and frustrated.

3. We see we are good at some stuff and struggle with other stuff, and so does everybody. What a relief.

4. We learn about a variety of resources - books, workshops, classes, online seminars, podcasts that can infuse our parenting with inspiration and new ideas.

5. We see the universality of all our experiences. Rarely is a parent educator surprised by a question or a problem, because it's the same stuff over and over - messy rooms, problems with friends, picky eaters, no sleepers, homework avoiders.

6. We laugh together, because it IS funny. Seriously - it's funny the parent/child dance. Now, it's not funny when it's you, but it IS funny when we can see together the hilarious things we do to try to get a four-year-old shod and fed before 8am.

7. We can see ourselves more clearly - and that's where change happens. Change happens when we are in the middle of our very own lives - no excuses, no over-dramatization, no soft focus. In the safety of a big group we can quietly notice where we might be too demanding or too permissive.

8. We get inspired. We hear some great idea from another participant and we have the energy, fortitude and knowledge to take it home and try it. 

9. We learn new language. A couple of encouraging, firm and friendly phrases can turn that persistent power struggle into a whole new dance. Our language impacts our thoughts and our thoughts impact our actions. 

10. It gets us out of the house and aways from the children (tee hee - but seriously, you deserve a break today.).

Catching Happiness

I love this quote! I use it a lot in classes I teach for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  PEP is based on democratic parenting. It’s neither permissive (child in charge), nor autocratic (parent in charge). EVERYONE is entitled to, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” PURSUIT, people. Not acquisition, nor fulfillment, or purchase or trade of happiness from one to another. Each of us has the right to pursue our own happiness.

Giving our child happiness – a toy, laissez-faire bedtime, letting them leave their crap all over, saving their butts regularly by driving forgotten work to school ain’t gonna teach them how to catch happiness themselves.

AND – parents, I hate to tell you, same goes for us. When we demand a semester of little Tom receiving all green lights, or darling Eliza making the travel soccer team, or dear Nathan having copious social engagements, or Joe getting into the college of our dreams - we are asking them to catch happiness for us.

Let's examine, ponder, explore, where we are giving away happiness and satisfaction. Anywhere the child might do better catching happiness on his own?  Do we fill his calendar with so many social/extra-curricular activities that he only needs to show up? Consider, it’s a different skill set to show up then it is to decide, and pursue, on your own, what you might like - karate, or piano, or filmmaking, or fencing, or video games, or nothing (gasp!).

Alternately, am I so obsessed with my kids lives, grades, friends, weight, room that I overlook my own life, work, friends, weight and room? It’s much less anxiety provoking trying to fix up someone else then it is to look at, and start to work on our own “stuff”. Catching happiness for another feels easier, seductive and compelling because we don’t have to worry about disappointment in ourselves. If they aren’t happy – well, we can give them a lecture. If they don't follow through, we can give them a lecture. If we chase happiness and aren’t happy, or if we start chasing happiness and don't follow through . . . ugh! We have to feel our own disappointment, discouragement and shame.

Where are we unhappy that we might do better focusing on ourselves, rather then nagging a child? Where are we giving happiness to our child? Where are we demanding happiness from our child? Shall we spend this next week catching our own happiness and leave it up to our kids to catch their own?

Adapted from April 2016 Glover Park Gazette Parenting in the Park column.

No! . . . Well Maybe, I Don't Want You to Be Mad. . . . .ummm. . . Ok?

Have trouble saying "no"? Have trouble sticking to your "no"? As a recovering "nice" person, I completely understand, empathize and get it. If you are good at a firm, respectful, loving, "No." please take this extra time and watch . . . . Sisters, or if you are in more of PG13 kind of mood, enjoy Between Two Ferns (caution - do not click if you are short on time, you WILL go down a rabbit hole of hilarity)

Here's what I've learned. . . . 

1. You don't need NO explanation for your "no". The buffer before the "no", and the run on sentences after the "no", are thinly veiled ways that us nice people are trying to control the person/situation. I have come to realize that trying to control others is really not that nice. Each of us is entitled to our own feelings and interpretations. That includes the person we are saying, "no" to.

2. We pay the piper somewhere along the way. We might look bad in the person's eye who we are delivering the "no" to, and that is better then losing our integrity or doing something we really don't have time for. If we overcommit because we are afraid to say "no", we may have pleased the PTA President, but our kids will have to endure our short temper as we deal with school auction overwhelm.

3. Silence is not, "no". Guys, when we don't answer it's rude AND not avoiding the conflict. It's moving the conflict underground - which means there is still conflict. That said, you don't have to say no right away, acknowledge the request and tell the requester when you'll get back to them. "I got your request, I'm going to consider it for a few days and get back to you."

4. We might be allergic to "no" because we are devastated when someone says, "no" to us. We assume everyone feels the way we feel. We might change our relationship to "no" if we practice receiving some solid "no's" and see that we can, in fact, get on with our day.

5. Come up with phrases ahead of time and practice them. "I'm so glad you asked, I'm not available right now to help." "For this season, I can't take on anymore volunteer work, and I'm happy to come to your event."  "I am booked that day." No, thank you."

5. Perhaps we want to control strong emotions? We avoid saying, "no" to our kids because we are afraid they will blow up, cry, rebel, retaliate, negotiate. Yo! The sooner those kids get used to "no", the more options they will have. Watch this short Wendy Mogel video for some inspiration and practical language.

"No" is a part of life. Let's makes sure we have a healthy relationship to saying and receiving the inevitable "no" in our life.

Smitten Kitchen

OMG . . . HOW to get my kitchen to look like THIS?!

To follow up on the Underused parenting tool of MENU PLANNING let's discuss our kitchen, shall we? If we avoid cooking we might start by dating our kitchen. Say Whhaaaattt?!

1. Dress for your dates: I like to wear aprons. They make me feel purposeful in the kitchen. The action of putting it on tells my brain it's time to tidy up.

2. Give your kitchen little gifts: Buy new hand towels. Get a beautiful Le Creuset pot. Replace burnt out light bulbs. Buy new rubber gloves (with no holes, you deserve them). Replace that SOS pad. Get a new sponge. Put nice hand lotion under your sink.

3. Chuck the baggage: Don't invite your taxes (or permission slips, or bills to pay, or junk mail, or magazines to read, or coupons) on your date with your kitchen. Seriously, BOOT all non-kitchen items OUT of your kitchen. 

3.5: Keep chucking kitchen baggage: Get rid of gadgets and gizmos you once use, you should use, you might use and ONLY leave gadgets and gizmos you use at LEAST once a week.

4. Lose the weight before you date: Pitch, donate, purge all the stuff you don't use; quinoa (sorry, I know I should, I don't), fennel seed for that one recipe, cookies I shouldn't eat but someone gave me, all those grocery bags stuffed and overflowing from my grocery bag holder, the copious vinegars we got as hostess gifts, the little packets of soy sauce from the chinese food takeout.

5. Wash your face: Take EVERYTHING off your fridge - magnets, photos, phone lists, to do lists, art projects. Just do it. No excuses. Live that way for a week, call me and tell me what happened.

6. Check in every night before bed: Say goodnight to your kitchen with a quick little check in. Dishes on the drying rack put away, papers that found their way on the counter corralled to their proper spot, last few dishes in the dishwasher and run it. Give it a smooch and tell it sweet dreams.

7. Buy flowers: Nothing says, "I'm worth being neat and tidy" better then some fresh flowers - $5 at the grocery store and you get a week of your kitchen dating you right back.